I Have A Confession

9 July 2009 Comments

I have a confession, Dear Reader.

My child exasperates me sometimes.

She’s two.

She’s smart, and she often acts like she’s older than she is. She likes to sit and read. She can be calm and polite. She always says thank you and usually says please. She speaks in full sentences almost all the time, and it’s easy to carry on a conversation with her. She knows the ABCs and can count to ten. She can throw, catch, and kick a ball.

When she is struck by an attack of two-year-old behavior, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to smack or spank her. I hate the thought.

Time outs and time ins don’t seem to work for us.

Nothing seems to work to halt her bad behavior. Nothing.

We went out to lunch today. She was tired, still recovering from our trip to Grandma’s this past weekend. She has been going to bed too late and getting up too early and not taking reliable naps.

I know the lack of sleep is contributing to her bad behavior, and I am working hard to get her back on her normal schedule.

However. Sometimes, I have to leave the house. Today, for instance, I was working on a sewing project, and my sewing machine needle broke. I needed a new one. I had already planned to go to lunch with my mom, so I decided to stop by the fabric store on the way home.

I usually talk to Grace and we look at everything in the store and discuss it. It keeps her busy and occupied and behaving nicely.

Today, Grace was not interested in talking about things in the store. She was chatting with my mom, and I was chatting with my mom, so we weren’t interacting as much as we normally would.

Without my undivided attention, Grace quickly began running amok.

Before long, she was grabbing silk flowers from shelf and banging them on the floor. When I grabbed them from her and put them away, she sprinted off to knock over a display. I grabbed her up and stuck her in the cart before picking up the display. She tried to climb out of the cart, and she yelled Down! I want down!

I was mortified. And furious.

We made a beeline for the door, but I had to pay for my needles. As we approached the cash register, Grace lept up and attacked the gift card display, leaving cards strewn all over the floor. I smacked her hand, took the cards, and she didn’t seem to notice.

I talked and cajoled and insisted she sit down. She refused, and I sat her in the cart. She stood up, and I sat her down again.

Nothing worked. I exhausted my arsenal, and the behavior continued.

I ended up holding her shoulder to ensure she stayed seated, but as soon as I let go, she jumped up like a jack-in-the-box.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt totally inept.

So, lay it on me. What should I have done?

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Lisa Clarke

My kids are older now (9 and 6) and I think maybe I have successfully blocked those toddler years from memory (LOL!) but I read a book last summer that really helped in my approach to bad behavior. It's called Playful Parenting, and the concept on a very general level, is to use play to get your kids to behave. For me, it has worked with things like getting the boys to stop yakking at night and go to sleep. Yelling "go to sleep!" up the stairs did absolutely nothing, but skipping up the stairs singing a song I made up about popping purple unicorns gives them a good laugh, after which they usually do exactly what was asked of them.

I don't always remember to parent them with humor like that, but when I do, it is nearly always successful. Theoretically, it should work on a 2-year-old, too.

Good luck!

Charlene

Some kids don't do well with time-outs that close them into a room alone; at early ages, even putting them in the corner should be face-out, not face-in. I had to stand at the door and hold it closed to keep mine in time-out until I started leaving the door open--he would sit barely inside the room, but he had to stay IN the room. As long as he stayed in, I would leave the door open. At the end of that one-minute-per-year-of-age time, I asked if he was ready to come out--if he came out and misbehaved again, back he went for another.

Also--when in public, like a store--leave your purchase at the counter if need be and take them to time out outside, in the car.

We used to go to one store, then lunch, then ride around for awhile so he could get a nap in before we hit another store, then home. And there were a couple of months there that we just did NOT take him places--one of us stayed home with him, while the other did the errands. It was a short period, but it got him over that hump.

There were many times we had to leave even family gatherings early--it's too easy for a little one, even a "little adult" little one, to get overstimulated. Their neurons can still only handle so much stimulus.

And as with most child-rearing issues--this too, shall pass!

Jenna @ Newlyweds

Hi Tara! 1 of my boys are starting with this restless behavior as of lately, it can be frustrating as well. So please know i think you did all you could have. Just one thing I have always heard is whatever method you use just be consistent.

<abbr>Jenna @ Newlyweds’s last blog post..The Cast is off!</abbr>

Meredith

I have a 2.5 year old that does the same thing. It is so frustrating!! I am like you in that I give her a running narration of what's going on when we are out and about. It seems that at least half of the time I don't narrate she goes nuts. I have just gotten to the point that if my hubbie isn't awake (he works nights/sleeps days) to watch her while I go shopping, I just wait until he is. I do not want to start encouraging bad habits this young though. I am eagerly waiting all the responses as much as you are. I have already put that book on my library list. I also wanted to say that if I remember correctly the 1,2,3, magic approach does work (like magic). My mom used it on me and my siblings when we were kids and we NEVER let her get to 3 (my dad would always remind us that it would be "blood and guts wall to wall"). I used to absolutely hate it when she said 1,2,.. but now I am starting to see a method to her madness. I think it is time I start becoming a little more like my mother . :)

Kim Yurkovich

I so feel your pain. My daughter is 2 1/2 and recently it's been like a light bulb went off and her temperament went off with it. It can be very difficult, especially when it's ongoing. I appreciate the comments here and I'm excited to use the 1,2,3 tactics. The best I've been able to do when faced with these situations is to work divert her attention but when she gets to the point of no return a quick exit or change of environment is the only thing that seems to work. Hang in there.

Sandwiched

Tara, I feel you! Been there too. I haven't read the book Katie mentioned, but I've been counting to 3 for years now. It's like magic! I say "1" when the unwanted behavior starts, "2" if it continues, and if the word "3" comes out of my mouth—no matter what—the child goes immediately and irrevokably to time out.

They SO get it now. If we're someplace quiet (say, church), I can even hold up the number of fingers in question.

Now, you mentioned that the behavior continues in time out...it shouldn't matter as long as you're consistent. Try to pick a spot where she can't do too much damage! Her world should collapse in on itself: no fun, no attention, no nothing. She may rage a while, but she'll get it eventually. Time out means all that is good in her world disappears.

Our time out spot is at the bottom of the stairs in the front hall. Nothing on the stairs, and it looks on a blank wall. Can't see anyone or anything from there.

At Little Sis' last 5 yo check up, I reported that the bad behavior now usually lasts until 2.99999. The doc said that it's time to stop counting, and that I can go directly from warning to time out (or right to time out, if she knows better).

That said, a 2 year old is really just beginning to learn to control herself. And sometimes (like when she's short on sleep), she just CAN'T. Even though it might feel like it, she's not doing it to ruin your day, she just lacks the ability to do anything else.

One other idea I remember working at that age is mirroring the kid's feelings. If you notice frustration beginning to build, get down on her level and tell her how she's feeling.

"Wow, you must be really bored. It's really not fun for you when Mama needs to shop."

A lot of times, the kid is so surprised that you "get" them, it takes the wind right out of their sails. A lot of the frustration from is trying to communicate with you.

And sometimes, nothing works. You just have to sling them under your arm and try again later...

Good luck!

<abbr>Sandwiched’s last blog post..We love you, MJ.</abbr>

Tara

Heather & 9to5to9 - That is some comfort, I guess. :)

Jessica - I have it and read it. I did appreciated the insight in the book, but the strategies only worked for us for a month or two.

Katie - That's more or less what I've been doing with no results. When she's in the time out spot, her behavior totally continues. She pulls things off the walls, jumps up and down, etc.

Katie

I think you did the best thing you could have done, beelined for the door. What you just described is SO typical of Ryder's behavior in public, and probably most children in their age range. It's frustrating, and embarassing. He was acting like out in the dr's office during his 2 year check up, the dr suggested to me a book, 1, 2, 3 Magic, and said if I use the routine EVERY TIME he acts up, he will quickly learn to behave. She guaranteed it, even. I didn't buy the book, but I have been doing the routine just as she described. It's basically based on time-outs, so it may not work for Grace if time out's don't seem to do it for her. The dr said when Ryder acts up, say "1". If he continues acting up, say "2". Keeps it up, say "3" and as soon as you get to 3, take him to time out. It's one minute time out per year of age, so for Ryder it's a 2 minute time out. We have a baby proof knob cover on the inside of the room to his door so he can't get out when he is suppose to be going down nap or bedtime, and the baby proof knob cover works great for the time out because he can't get out of the room before his two minutes is up. After two minutes, go in and ask "are you finished and ready to come out and behave?" and if he is still acting up shut the door, and leave for another two minutes. Come back after that two minutes, and if at that point he is still throwing a fit just leave the door open and let him cry it out. She said I have to do this everytime he acts out, no matter where we are. If we are in the grocery store, check out and take him to the car for time out. Dr said eventually he will be trained to the point where you will only have to get to 1, maybe 2 before he changes his attitude. So I have been doing that. And it's working, amazingly! I think why it works for us is because he really doesn't want to be in his room with the door shut, or in the carseat in time out, missing out on whatever the activity he/we were doing before the time out.

Jessica (@It's my life...)

Don't feel bad, two year olds are like another species.
Your first instinct was right, leaving the store would have probably been the safest option, but that's just not always an option.
I can't recommend Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block highly enough. It might not give you all the answers, but it does shed some fascinating light into what goes on inside those strange little minds. (I can relate! Mine is going to be two in a handful of weeks. GAK.)

<abbr>Jessica (@It's my life...)’s last blog post..Major novel progress</abbr>

9to5to9

I wish I had a magic wand to solve this - if I did, I would have used it on my two years ago - but all I can offer is a "you're not alone."

I remember one particular incident when my oldest was about Grace's age - maybe a little older - and the youngest was just a baby. We were at McDonald's and the oldest just would not chill out. I got up and left, one screaming kid under each arm, and was ready to cry myself when a kind woman opened the door for me, patted my shoulder and said, "we've all been there."

And we all have been. There are times - usually when mine are stressed or tired - that NOTHING works. No need kicking yourself around over it. It's life.

Mine are old enough now - 4 and almost 6 - that we can have a reminder talk about expected behavior before we go somewhere. That still doesn't work 100 percent of the time if it's somewhere I need to go and there's nothing in the trip for them, but it works well enough most of the time.

Usually, I can conjure up a reason to include something for them. "I have to go to the craft store, and if you're a good listeners there, I need to get coffee and ice cream later. But if you're not good listeners in the craft store, I can't go to the coffee shop."

Some might call that a bribe, but I'm firmly against bribes unless they work. So let's call it added motivation. :)

And I've also repeated the McDonald's exit strategy many times since, except they're too big to pack under my arms now. They always get a stern look and a lecture about "this is not how we behave." Again, they still can't comply 100 percent of the time, but I can see slow improvement.

<abbr>9to5to9’s last blog post..Being sick is no fun if you have to share it</abbr>

Heather B

I'm not sure that I have any advice really, other than we all have our days. My kids seem to act up everytime I leave the house. I wish I knew the cure all/fix all for this but I don't. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in this. I could use help with a 6 year old! :-)

I Have A Confession

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